Parents know that their failures can affect their children. You want your son to tell the truth, but he has heard you bend the truth to protect yourself. You tell your daughter to be patient, but she has seen you lose your temper. You want your children to trust God, yet they have watched you worry and complain when life does not go your way. We all behave in ways we wish our children had never seen. But how we respond to those failures also teaches them something about following God.
Sometimes recognizing our failures leads us to repent and seek God’s help. But sometimes we find reasons to avoid teaching our children about Him. We tell ourselves that we aren’t spiritual enough, that we’re too busy, or that our children will make their own choices anyway. Those concerns can reflect real difficulties, but they can also keep us from facing what matters more to us than obedience to God. And while we justify our neglect, our children keep learning from our example. They notice what receives our attention, what we excuse, and what we treat as most important.
God calls parents to teach their children His ways, but we cannot make them trust Him. That responsibility also requires us to examine how faithfully we are following God ourselves. When we recognize our own sin and weakness, we need more than determination to do better. We need Christ’s forgiveness and help. And our children need more than good advice about life. They need to know the Savior whom we ourselves must trust and obey.
In the opening chapters of Proverbs, a father teaches his son that life follows one of two paths. The way of wisdom begins with the fear of the LORD, a reverence for God that leads us to listen to His Word. The way of foolishness rejects His instruction. That is why the father addresses friendships, money, honesty, work, sexual temptation, and correction. The choices we make in these areas shape the direction of our lives. Proverbs 22 continues this concern. Verse 5 warns about the dangers along the crooked path, while verse 6 tells parents to begin guiding their children before foolish habits become deeply rooted.
Proverbs 22:6 NASB: Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Solomon begins by commanding parents to “train” their children. The Hebrew word is also used elsewhere for dedicating something to a purpose. Here, the command means more than giving advice when a child gets into trouble. Parents must guide their children deliberately, teaching and correcting them as they grow. We teach a young child to tell the truth, then help him remain honest when telling the truth could cost him a friendship. We teach a little girl to share her toys, then help her consider the needs of others instead of using them to get what she wants. The lessons change as children mature, but this kind of training does not happen by accident.
Children learn from us even when we are not trying to teach them. They notice what makes us angry, what brings us joy, and whether we keep our promises. They also see whether our faith changes how we treat people at home or matters only when we go to church. So training children involves more than teaching them what the Bible says. Our conduct can reinforce what we teach or undermine it. Moses made that connection when he instructed Israel to guard their own hearts and teach God’s truth to their children.
Deuteronomy 4:9 NASB: Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, so that you do not forget the things which your eyes have seen and they do not depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make them known to your sons and your grandsons.
God had rescued Israel from slavery in Egypt and cared for them in the wilderness. Moses tells parents to remember what God has done and teach it to their children. But He first tells them to guard their own hearts. Their children need to hear God’s truth, but they also need to see that His Word matters to their parents. A faithful example reinforces what we teach, but it cannot replace deliberate instruction. And that is why…
Our children need deliberate training.
Perhaps you hesitate to teach your children about God because you have neglected your own relationship with Him. You know you have not been praying, reading Scripture, or obeying what you already know. So teaching your children feels hypocritical, and you remain silent. But what might they learn from your silence? Might they conclude that God’s Word matters only when we have been faithful to it? Or that the best way to deal with sin is to avoid talking about it? Our children do not need parents who pretend they never fail. But neither do they need parents who use their failures to excuse further neglect.
A father may lose his temper, then demand an apology when his son speaks disrespectfully. Yet he never acknowledges the cruel words he spoke. Perhaps he excuses his anger by saying he had a hard day or that his son pushed him too far. His son learns that parents can demand obedience without admitting when they are wrong. But when that father admits his sin and asks his son’s forgiveness, he teaches that repentance requires us to acknowledge our own sins rather than excuse them.
Struggling with sin is not the same as excusing it. We become hypocrites when we demand obedience from our children while defending our own disobedience. We may tell ourselves that staying silent is humble, when it actually helps us avoid repentance. Are you hesitant to teach your children because you feel unqualified, or because teaching them would force you to confront your own disobedience? Your children have already seen you fail. But when you refuse to admit your sin and seek forgiveness, you also fail to show them what repentance looks like. A child who learns to hide his sin rather than confess it, learns how to lie to himself and others avoid punishment. What began as an effort to avoid shame can become a life of slavery to desires he has learned to conceal rather than resist. And if he continues down that path without repentance, the consequences reach beyond this life to eternal judgment. What a terrible thought that our example could help establish the very habits that lead our children away from God! We cannot determine the choices our children will make, but we must recognize the danger of teaching them to hide the very sins from which Christ alone can set them free.
But Christ came to rescue sinners from the very destruction their sin deserves. He obeyed His Father perfectly, died to bear the punishment for our sins, and rose from the dead. Everyone who trusts Him receives forgiveness and is no longer condemned before God. And Christ does more than forgive us. By His Spirit, He begins freeing us from the sinful desires and habits that once controlled us. This is the hope our children need to understand. They do not have to hide their sins to escape shame or protect themselves from punishment. They can bring their sins before God, trusting the Savior who forgives sinners and changes their hearts. Because Christ alone can forgive sinners and change their hearts, teaching our children must involve more than correcting bad behavior. Solomon also tells us which direction their training should take:
Proverbs 22:6 NASB: Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
The words “in the way he should go” point us back to the two paths described throughout Proverbs. The way of wisdom listens to God’s instruction, while the way of foolishness rejects it. Parents must therefore do more than help their children pursue their own goals. We must teach them to recognize what pleases God and make choices that honor Him.
Teaching children God’s wisdom includes lessons about work, friendships, money, and self-control. But our goal is more than raising responsible, well-behaved adults. A young man may pay his bills while loving money more than God. A young woman may have good manners while living for everyone’s approval. A child may obey every rule at home without recognizing his sin before God. Good behavior matters, but it cannot make anyone right with God. Our children need to understand not only what God commands, but also why they need His forgiveness. Teaching God’s truth belongs in the everyday life of the family. God says…
Deuteronomy 6:7 NASB: You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
The instruction Moses commands must have a purpose greater than teaching children how to behave. Paul identifies that purpose when he reminds Timothy of the Scriptures he learned as a child.
2 Timothy 3:15 NASB: and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
Paul reminds Timothy of the sincere faith of his grandmother Lois and his mother Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5). These women taught him the Scriptures from childhood, and their instruction continued to shape his life long after he became an adult. In verse 16, Paul explains that Scripture is useful for teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness. It teaches us what is true, exposes what is wrong, shows us how to return when we stray, and trains us to live in obedience to God. Think about what that means for our children. God’s Word can guide their decisions, confront their sinful desires, correct their mistakes, and teach them how to live throughout their lives. Let the Bible establish what is right and wrong. Our responsibility is to teach it faithfully, while trusting the Holy Spirit to accomplish what our efforts alone cannot. And so…
Our training must lead toward God’s wisdom.
There is nothing wrong with wanting your children to succeed. You want them to develop their abilities, find meaningful work, and avoid some of the hardships you have known. But what happens when you begin to need their success to feel successful yourself? You feel proud when they excel, but embarrassed when they fall behind. Their accomplishments reassure you that you are raising them well, while their failures make you question your worth as a parent. Without realizing it, you begin measuring your own worth by what your children accomplish.
In Charles Dickens’s *David Copperfield*, Mrs. Steerforth is a wealthy widow who adores her only son, James. She is proud of his charm, his abilities, and his place in society. But James is selfish and careless about the harm he causes others. His mother has built so much of her happiness and identity around him that she cannot bear to acknowledge his faults. When his behavior brings disgrace upon the family, she is more concerned with defending him than admitting what he has done. Her pride blinds her to the truth about her own son. And that is the danger when our children’s success becomes a measure of our worth. We may become so determined to see them succeed that we refuse to see where they need correction.
Achievement is not the only rival love. Comfort can become an authority in the home. After a demanding day, you look forward to a quiet evening at home. There is a Bible study you could attend, and you know it would help you grow spiritually and set a good example for your children. But you’re tired, and staying home seems much more appealing. Sometimes rest is exactly what you need. Attending every church activity is not a measure of godliness. But when we consistently avoid opportunities for spiritual growth because they interfere with our comfort, what example are we setting for our children? Rest is a good gift from God, but we must be careful not to use it as an excuse for neglecting the things that matter more.
Children notice the pattern. We find energy to arrange practices, plan vacations, or pursue hobbies, but spiritual conversation is postponed until there is nothing else to do. The message they may receive is that success deserves preparation while faith receives leftover attention. I hope you wouldn’t leave their education entirely to strangers, yet sometimes we let entertainment form their beliefs about God without much response from us. We are not choosing between influencing our children and leaving them uninfluenced. We are choosing which influences we will take responsibility to provide. These choices reveal more than how we spend our time. They reveal what matters most to us. Jesus makes an uncompromising demand upon everyone who would follow Him.
Luke 14:26 NASB "If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Jesus is not commanding us to despise our families. He is teaching that our love for Him must be greater than our love for anyone else, even our own children. That means we cannot make their happiness, success, or affection more important than obedience to Christ. Nor can we allow our desire for comfort to keep us from following Him faithfully. When anything becomes more important to us than Christ, we begin teaching our children to value that thing above Him.
You may love your children deeply and still expect something from them that they were never meant to give you. You want them to succeed, and there is nothing wrong with that. You want them to love you, respect you, and remain close to you as they grow older. Those are good desires. But what happens when their lives do not turn out as you hoped? What happens when they no longer seek your advice, or when the affection they once showed so freely begins to diminish? Perhaps you become angry or resentful. You remind them of everything you have sacrificed, and you wonder why they cannot appreciate what you have done.
But consider what you are asking of them. You have made their success a measure of your worth and their affection a condition of your happiness. You say you want what’s best for them, but increasingly you need their love to assure you that your life has mattered. And the more you need that assurance, the more difficult it becomes to love them without demanding something in return.
But there is a love that does not need to be earned by your children’s accomplishments or sustained by their affection. Consider Jesus Christ. He is the Son who perfectly obeyed His Father, yet He willingly endured the shame and judgment that our disobedience deserved. He gave Himself for sinners who had nothing to offer Him, and through His death and resurrection, He brings all who trust Him into the family of God. Think about what that means. You have been seeking assurance of your worth from children who are themselves struggling with sin, weakness, and uncertainty. Yet in Christ, the holy God against whom you have sinned has received you as His own child.
Your children may disappoint you, misunderstand you, or even turn away from you. But their response cannot overturn what God has done for you in His Son. And as that love becomes more precious to you, something begins to change. You are free to love your children for their sake rather than needing them to establish your worth. You can grieve their failures without treating those failures as your own condemnation, and you can rejoice in their independence without receiving it as rejection.
Finally, Solomon tells us why parents should take this training seriously from the beginning.
Proverbs 22:6 NASB: Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Children often carry the habits they learn at home into adult life. The way they handle anger, respond to correction, and treat other people can stay with them for decades. Solomon wants parents to recognize how deeply their early training can influence a child’s future.
Scripture does not promise that faithful instruction will always produce faithful children. Samuel served God from his youth, but his sons later accepted bribes and judged unfairly. Even Samuel’s faithful example could not make his sons obedient. We can teach our children God’s Word, but only God can change their hearts. Still, that does not make our instruction any less important. Solomon teaches that early training matters, even when we cannot see its results. Our responsibility, then, is to…
Train faithfully and trust God with the outcome.
Some parents quietly stop trying because their children resist. You have corrected the same behavior, held the same conversation, and prayed about the same problem. Nothing seems to change, so you begin to withdraw. But what were you expecting from your efforts? Did you expect your child to obey quickly, make you proud, or spare you the pain of watching him struggle? God has not promised that faithful instruction will spare us disappointment. He calls us to keep teaching what is right, even when we cannot make our children take it to heart.
We can turn parenting into a bargain with God: I will do my part if You give me the child I want. When our children resist, we may feel that God has failed to keep His side. But our children are not rewards for good parenting, and their salvation is not something God owes us. The gospel frees us from this bargain because our acceptance before God does not depend on our success as parents. Christ’s obedience and sacrifice, not our parenting, make us right with God. We can continue teaching our children without needing their response to prove that we have succeeded. We entrust their hearts to the risen Savior, who alone has the power to save them.
Trusting God does not mean neglecting your responsibility. You still need to correct dishonesty, limit harmful influences, teach your children to keep their promises, and open Scripture with them even when they resist. But you can do these things without treating every disagreement as proof that you have failed. You can listen before correcting, acknowledge when you have been harsh, and patiently repeat lessons they have not yet learned. Years later, your child may not remember every conversation, but he may remember that you took his questions seriously and never stopped pointing him toward Christ.
If your adult son or daughter has turned away from the faith, you may carry grief and regret. If you have sinned against them, take responsibility and seek forgiveness where you can. But do not treat their choices as proof that you have failed as a parent. Keep loving them without trying to control them, and speak to them about Christ when they are willing to listen. You cannot change their hearts, but the risen Savior can. So keep praying for them, trusting God with what you cannot control.
Parents are not alone in this work. Grandparents, children’s teachers, youth leaders, and other believers can reinforce what parents are teaching at home. Take time to learn a child’s name, listen to his concerns, and help him understand what Scripture says. Children need more than church activities that keep them busy. They need adults who show them, by their words and example, that Christ is worth following throughout life. But even with faithful parents and godly examples, every young person must recognize his own need for salvation. No one can believe for him. He must personally turn from sin and trust in Christ.
Parents, consider what your children are learning from the way you live. If your own failures have become an excuse for neglecting their spiritual instruction, repent and begin again. If you depend on their success or affection to feel valuable, stop asking them to carry a burden Christ never placed on them. If your desire for comfort has taken priority over spiritual growth, consider what needs to change. And if discouragement has caused you to withdraw, begin teaching again without demanding immediate results.
Your children need the Scriptures because they need Christ. And you need Him no less. He is not merely the subject of your teaching; He is the Savior who forgives your failures, the Lord who calls you to obedience, and the One who gives you His Spirit to change your heart. God has made you responsible to teach your children His wisdom. You cannot save them, but you can faithfully direct them to the One who can.
